She

Written by Ankita Ganguly

Edited by Shreya Srinivasan

The yellow-tinted lights filled the room with a sense of gloom as I saw her standing at the doorway. The new year was supposed to bring happiness and joy to people but to me it only bought her presence and solitude. The first day we met would be on the dawn of 3rd January. It was quite a beautiful day; sunlight dripped on to us as the cold winds of January blew right past us, bringing a sense of freshness. Since that day, we have become regular companions on those days. Over the span of 10 days, we had become quite close, as other friends of mine would start distancing themselves from me. I wouldn’t blame them though; both of us kinda brought down the vibe of everything. Wouldn't blame them though, whatever we touched, crumpled.

“How are you feeling this morning, Leone?” She asked still at the doorway. "Ah, the same, you know, very well I think” I replied slightly startled.

“Oh don’t be so glum, after all that is why I am here” she replied

"Oh, I know that very well," I retorted sarcastically as I stood up to leave for college.

She decided to let me go about my day and distracted herself with some chore that I couldn’t care less about. As the days went by, I felt myself slip and at points not care about anything I once was passionate about. My guitar lay dusty next to my bedside table, and my paints had dried up as I couldn’t even bear to look at them anymore. The paintings that I had once so passionately made now just reminded me of how much of a failure I had become over time and how I had lost my love for things that used to provide me with relief and happiness. I could feel myself slipping away into the background, under the clutches of something I didn’t know.

As I made my way from the bathroom to my cupboard, I heard this dealing noise from the kitchen and ran up there to check on her.

“Christ!! What was that?!”

"Oh, I thought you hated these plates, so I took the liberty to remove them from your life. Is that a problem?” She asked me sneeringly.

I suppose she is right after all; I did want them gone. I used to want to throw them away, far away from my sight, because of the blue colour on them.

“I suppose you are right..”

I made it to college before time, so I decided to sit in the cafeteria for a while and get a coffee while I waited for my friend Quint. I loved staying in the cafeteria; there were so many people hustling to get to their classes that it made me realise that there were so many stories and I was just one among them. It took my mind away from my problems for a while. It made me happy to watch so many people going about their day. It was a relief.

“Hey, how’ve you been since... um, 12 hours ago when we last met?” He asked as he made his way on to our table

"Ah, been pretty good, been up to nothing really." "Have you eaten yet?” “Nope, I’m gonna get some food now, please look after my bags”

“Actually no, I’m gonna throw away your bag in the trash”

"Ah, very funny, I cannot stop laughing,” he mocked me, but this was an everyday occurrence; we always did mess around with each other in this way.

"Wow, that was hilarious, you are so funny," she said, and I felt the familiar coldness grip me. I did try to ignore it, but it grew stronger.

"I know you are trying to ignore me, but who are we kidding here?" Everyone knows you're not funny or interesting to be around, so why do you pretend to be? You really don’t matter. It makes no difference if you come to college or not.

This time, I tried to defend myself by confronting her and saying, "I know you're lying, but I do play a role in people's lives here. I matter to them.” I could feel myself growing overly emotional with every passing minute.

"Ah, denial will not get you anywhere. Let us see,” she sighed with disapproval.

College went by quite quickly, doing different activities and talking to the few remaining friends I do have. This is why I love being in college; there is so much to do that I often forget about her when I’m in college. It provides me with an escape that feels really good compared to when I feel myself slipping into her cold clutches. But, as with all good things, the day ended with me staring at the ceiling in my gloomy room.

"Wasn't that a fantastic day?" I asked her how I felt really well about myself today. “If you say so,” she replied with a hint of disappointment in her voice.

“What do you mean? Was it not? I felt great about everything today; I felt pretty, I interacted well with others, and we even won our basketball game.. I think it was a great day.” I said as I started getting ready to get some sleep.

"Yeah, you tried to have a great day by hanging out with your friends today, but do you really think you mattered during any of it? Just look at yourself; I'm sure they wouldn't have cared if you hadn't been there. You are nothing but a joke to them—something to laugh at and make fun of when they have too much time on their hands.”

As I heard her speak, I felt tears pool in my eyes, but by the time I turned to the mirror to look at myself, she had gone. She left without any explanation, tearing my heart out and apart. But as I faced my reflection, I saw just a broken, overly sensitive, and boring person staring back at me. This was my reflection, but combined with it was a part of her I saw in me. As I cried myself to sleep, I realised that she was me.