Written by: Srinwanti Sen
Edited by: Aishwarya
Illustrated by: Deepshika Bannerjee
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“You get a strange feeling when you're about to leave a place. Like you'll not only miss the people you love, but you'll miss the person you are now at this time and this place because you'll never be this way ever again.”
~Azar Nafisi // Reading Lolita in Tehran
This is exactly how I felt as I took a last walk on my balcony before leaving for Bangalore in February 2022. I remember feeling a bit too overwhelmed and anxious yet excited at the same time at the thought of starting a whole new chapter of my life. So many friends to make, so many memories to create and so many new opportunities and experiences to have. I went to each and every room and corner of my house to take a look at what had been such a huge part of my life those past 18 years. I went through my gallery and looked at all the photos of my friends and family, people who were my safe place those last 18 years. And I looked forward to adding more photos and memories of people who would become my home away from home, at least for the next few years.
This honestly wasn’t an easy job for me (my introverted self was shaken to the core after seeing so many people on campus). There were moments when I just wanted to give up, run away home ,and study in one of the colleges there instead. I felt that maybe I’m not meant for Bangalore. Maybe I'm not ready to leave my home yet. I felt that I would not fit in here and doubted if I would even make proper friends in class. But somewhere I knew that giving up was not an option for me. I had to go on and accept Bangalore as part of my identity. Only then would things work out in my favour, right ? Sure, there were moments when I missed my family and friends back home (still do). I remember being on call with my mom and crying to her and telling her I miss home and how I want to meet my friends. How I miss the Durga Pujo celebrations and hated seeing everyone be so happy and going pandal-hopping whereas I’m stuck in my PG room studying for exams. How I feel like I'm going to die every time I fall sick just because I don’t have my parents sitting next to me (Conclusion - I’ve stressed my mom out on multiple occasions). Every time I went back home to Kolkata, the last few days there used to be the worst because coming to the same mundane college routine was never fun.
But I had to pull myself together. Cribbing and crying is cathartic, yes, but that won’t really give me the solution.
I made friends here in college who are now a huge part of my life. I participated in so many class and college events, became part of clubs and associations, and even headed some associations! I also had fantastic juniors and seniors with whom I bonded really well and who made life in Bangalore really easy, enjoyable, and amazing for me. Working in the basement for hours after classes are over, coming to college even on holidays to practise for events, running all over college to get approvals from faculty for event plans and requirements, chilling in Simars, Corner House, and Meenakshi Mall, visiting Cubbon Park, Church Street ,and Lalbagh as soon as exams are over - these have become some of my core memories in college and of Bangalore which has shaped me into what I have become today.
Sometimes I feel that if my past self ever looked at what I've become today, she would definitely be at a loss of words. Though I still doubt my own worth at times, I have grown as a person and gained a lot of confidence. I have learned how to take care of myself and I'm definitely stronger than I used to be. I have not only become more understanding of others, but I also have learned to prioritise my own self and my mental health. I have become a little more organised and a little less messed up. However, both 5 years ago me and my current self are a part of my identity and one side won’t exist without the other.
All this makes me realise how fast time flies by and how this chapter would also soon come to an end. That is something that I'm trying to avoid thinking about for as long as possible. However, I will forever be grateful for everything and everyone who has been a part of my life these last 2 years. It's a bittersweet feeling, but sometimes I have to remind myself of how far I've come and that growing is a beautiful thing. And on one random night, maybe I’ll sit in my room and open my gallery and go through all my photos and videos that will remind me of these times and take me back to Bangalore. Both Kolkata and Bangalore will always be a part of me, no matter how much I change along the way.
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